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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176261">Gazing at Sunflowers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/byjosten/pseuds/byjosten'>byjosten</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Andreil, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Soft Neil Josten, ish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:08:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/byjosten/pseuds/byjosten</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a short drabble about Neil watching Andrew come alive amongst sunflowers; it's not v good but the imagery was in my head</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gazing at Sunflowers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Neil didn’t always know what to do when Andrew didn't talk or desired to not leave his room all day. Some days he was allowed in, a pale hand reaching out to snag him under the duvet, a face pressed between his shoulder blades, a heavy sigh escaping lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Other days it was a shake of a head, a silent request for space. Neil only ever nodded, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell me if you need anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> a whisper on his lips. Andrew never did; Neil always went out to buy him ice cream anyway. The tub was always kicked back out from Andrew’s barely-open doorway and Neil picked it up, empty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They knew those days. They knew how to navigate them and get through them, Neil waiting Andrew out, and Andrew waiting his own mind out. Neil had plenty of things to busy himself with but it was the lingering </span>
  <em>
    <span>what if he needs me</span>
  </em>
  <span>? He never went too far on days Andrew wasn’t good. Even if his boyfriend never asked him to come back or requested anything, he never went too far away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then there was a different sort of day: a day where Andrew’s eyes were flat but his body worked overtime, a twitching sort of restlessness. A battle of wanting to do nothing whilst needing to do something. Neil lifted a brow and reached a hand out across the couch. Andrew snatched it between his own, almost hungrily, like he needed the anchor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His fingers linked through Neil’s scarred ones, fingertips circling knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to do?” Neil asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Andrew answered, and there was a half-thought to tug one side of his mouth up, an almost-smile, an unspoken joke between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Neil said, and let Andrew play with his fingers as he stared at the book in his lap. Soon, his hand was lifted, Andrew’s lips parting ever so slightly, to kiss the tips of Neil’s fingers, one by one. Then his knuckles, then his palm, his wrist. Neil just lifted his gaze and watched. Andrew’s cheeks were a faint pink, eyes still flat with barely-ignited feelings he couldn’t quite connect with, but he looked at Neil’s fingers like everything revolved around them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually,” Andrew said, and Neil felt the words on his skin. “Take me somewhere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anywhere. Away from here. Somewhere that's not too… Much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Playing sports had them constantly battling noise, too much going on. Whilst Neil thrived on the life, adrenaline, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>action </span>
  </em>
  <span>of Exy, it could get overwhelming for Andrew. He knew this request: somewhere calmer than his mind; somewhere calmer than the court.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keys were tossed at him. “You drive. I’ll end up crashing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was enough to tell Neil: Andrew wasn’t himself. If there was ever an opportunity to not surrender control of his car to another person, Andrew took it. He liked control of the wheel, of his own property. But this small admission, something he barely ever showed, was enough to tell Neil that he had to choose somewhere extra good. He closed his fingers around the keys, nodding to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go, Josten. Don’t crash my car.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No more than you would apparently,” Neil answered back, before freezing. His head whipped around to Andrew, scared he’d said the wrong thing unthinkingly, a light-hearted comment to him during a bad headspace, but all he found was Andrew looking at him, faint amusement on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I trust you more than myself right now,” was all he said. Neil smiled, Andrew gave his hand back, and shook his head. Together, they stood up. Andrew walked closer to Neil, a finger curling around his belt loop at the back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside, the Maserati was parked up and waiting. Andrew veered to the driver’s side, before spitting a small curse. He kicked the back tyre with little effort before stalking to the passenger side. Neil tentatively opened the driver’s side door, sliding in. It felt wrong to drive Andrew’s car with Andrew sat right next to him, hands clenched on his knees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hate this,” Neil guessed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, ten points to you,” Andrew said. “Of course I hate it. It’s my car. I just can’t drive it because…” He cut himself off sharply, blinking. Neil held his gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you weren’t here, I wouldn't care less about getting behind the wheel,” Andrew muttered, looking away. Another admission. Neil turned away to hide his small smile, disguising it by slotting the keys in the ignition. Andrew only wanted Neil to drive so the journey would be safe </span>
  <em>
    <span>because of Neil</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But then his mind slid past that small prick of satisfaction, to think about how Andrew wouldn’t mind driving if he was alone. He didn’t want to think about it too hard, so he turned the key and the car came to life beneath his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll keep you safe,” he said needlessly. They both knew Neil had and would continue to, the way Andrew did for Neil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew flicked Neil’s arm as he backed out of the car park. “Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil had no idea where he was going until they were ten minutes in. One time, Andrew had taken him somewhere, a date that he wouldn’t admit was a date, and on the way Neil had seen something. It had been tucked away in his mind for a day that was warmer, where Andrew might lift his face to the sun and feel something calmer. Today wasn’t one of those days but something in Neil still had him heading there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew never asked where they were headed. He just eventually relaxed his fingers when he knew Neil wouldn’t damage his car. He spun the volume dial on the speaker system right up until Neil’s ears buzzed with the sound. Andrew only closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the headrest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took them twenty minutes to get where Neil wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned the car onto a bumpy road that had Andrew’s eyes flying open, knuckle hitting the sound button to turn off the music. “Where are we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see any second.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like surprises.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You asked me to take you somewhere and never asked me to clarify,” Neil reminded him. Andrew blinked at him slowly until he flipped him off, and slid further down his seat, looking out the front windscreen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine, you’re in charge.” He could hear the sarcasm in Andrew’s voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil pulled up at the end of the road and gestured for Andrew to get out with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You brought me to a muddy field, Neil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Neil only held his hand out as he walked, letting Andrew decide to take it or not. In the end, he didn’t; he curled fingers back into his belt loops instead. The field spread open for miles, but just ahead was a cluster of trees, a man-made path worn through. He led Andrew through there, noting the small snarl in the back of Andrew’s throat until there was a tight, “I trust you,” as he looked up at the wide trees, their branches spread to let enough light in. Whether it was to assure Neil or remind himself, Neil didn't know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil walked them on, until they came out of the other end of the forest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew’s eyes fell on the sight before them. Neil watched a small light flicker in his eyes, the restrained surprise of his brows lifting. His mouth parting in words he didn’t have yet was the biggest reaction he allowed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before them spread a field of sunflowers. The flowers bloomed and grew close together, almost Andrew's height, spreading towards the sun. Sunflowers; Andrew’s favourite flower. A whole field of them, far away enough that there was no noise of passing cars, their phones were off and in Andrew’s Maserati, and even Neil kept his mouth shut as Andrew took in the sight before them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he said, and then walked forward, tugging on the grasp he had on Neil. Andrew hated heights and went up to the roof to feel that fear, but Neil wanted to take him to a place that could calm him more. To let him feel only what was going on in his head without worrying about anything else. </span>
  <span>“There,” Andrew said, nodding towards a patch of grass, a circle sunflowers grew around. It was just big enough for them. Neil sat cross-legged, whilst Andrew lay down fully, arms cushioning his head as he stared up. One hand reached out to graze over a sunflower petal. Then they were in a field of sunflowers, the air warm, and the afternoon calmer than it was in the dorm room. There was a strange look on Andrew’s face; perhaps bewilderment, or contentment, or an awed sort of muted surprise. His fingers danced up another flower stem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil shifted so he could look back at Andrew. His blonde hair messy from not tending to it after waking up, the colour blending in prettily with the yellow flowers and the golden sun. It caught his face, shadowing his cheekbones and highlighting his freckles that made Neil want to lean down and kiss every single defined one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he asked, “Is this okay?” He meant: </span>
  <em>
    <span>did I do this right? You asked to go somewhere. Is this what you wanted?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew’s gaze slid to him. The words were heavy with meaning but light in their surroundings. “It is… More than okay.” He wasn’t quite smiling, perhaps didn’t have the energy for smiles, but Neil took in the dazed look, the way his arm reached up, hand turning in the sunlight. Whether Andrew truly thrived amongst the sunflowers and the light, Neil didn’t know; if that was what it took to make Andrew feel easier in his own head. But he looked it; he looked brighter, more alive than Neil had seen in a while. He realised he didn’t want to make Andrew endure anything different. He hated the thought of driving them back to a dorm where Andrew wouldn’t feel as okay as here, where every noise and too much light would send his mind back to a place where he could deal with it only under duvets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to shove those thoughts aside. He would stay out here all night with him if Andrew wanted, would wait out the sunrise just to see how it lit up Andrew’s skin, igniting a glow in him, slowly waking him up with the rest of the sky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d been staring. In zoning out, he had missed Andrew patting the ground. Despite their closeness walking to the field, Neil kept a few inches of space between them. Andrew’s palm rested face-up, eyes on the sky, on the sunflowers crowding their view. Everything was blue and golden and yellow and so much warmer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not waiting for a ghost to hold my hand, Neil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he said stupidly, and threaded his fingers through Andrew’s. Andrew manoeuvred them so their clasped hands rested on Neil’s stomach. He breathed in and out deeply, evenly, the fresh air filling his lungs. He felt Andrew caress his knuckles softly, lightly, barely there but </span>
  <em>
    <span>enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Things have been loud,” Andrew said quietly. Neil didn’t answer, just waited for him to speak again if he wanted to. “Too loud. I couldn’t hear anything in the dorm room, could barely even </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Someone was always coming and going, demanding, asking, offering. Doors slamming, voices, banging. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Every little noise, Neil</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He sighed heavily. “But this.” He flicked a finger up. “This is good. This is quiet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Neil didn’t know why he said it but he did. “You look alive here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew turned to look at him, and the view devastated Neil. “I feel it, a little. Not fully, but more so. I’m still… Not good, but this helps.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil only nodded. Andrew ran a thumb over Neil’s bottom lip, eyes flicking down. They didn’t kiss, not in the haven of sunflowers and quiet and space, but their shared gazes were enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Andrew said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can come here anytime you want,” Neil told him. “Any time. Tell me and I’ll take you. Or if you want to come alone, you know…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andrew nodded. “I know.” Then he turned his head back so he stared straight up at the clouds above them once more.</span>
</p>
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